Hooker and I are notoriously bad ‘together eaters’. The two of us can not just go out to eat and have an easy time of it. Typically when we decide we want to get say lunch, we’ll drive around for two hours trying to find a place to eat, but we can’t because for some unknown reason on that day at that time, everything in closed. Then by two hours later we are mad and super hungry and oh, did I mention MAD?

We are cursed I tell you. It’s not like this happened once and “HAHA! Isn’t it funny!?”

It happens all the god damn time.

Yesterday was a doooozy. We left his house at 11:00 am to get breakfast. Like many normal people do on a Sunday morning. We stopped at an antique store up the road for maybe a half an hour, and then hopped on the bike to go out and do some serious eating. And that’s when the black clouds from HELL rolled in.

Instead of getting stuck in a storm (which of course never actually CAME) we drove all the way back to his house to drop off his bike and get in my car.

By now, it was 1:30 and all the breakfast joints in his neighborhood close at 2:00. We both have a sincere hatred of being “those people” that walk into a restaurant 15 minutes to close, so we decided to drive to the crappy 24 hour breakfast joint up the road.

Except for some reason, I took all the wrong turns to get there. I don’t know what happened to my sense of direction. Maybe it had to do with the fact that Hooker turned all whiny and was yelling “I’m HUNGRY. Drive FASTER.”

We finally arrived at our destination only to be served coffee so full of grinds we had to strain it before drinking. Eventually, as more people filtered into the restaurant, the waitress came over and took our very simple “eggs and toast please” order.

Cut to 45 minutes later. We were still sitting there waiting. Looking around angrily, our stomachs now eating themselves.

Our waitress finally came over and said “Oh sorry. There was a mistake in the kitchen. Your food will be out shortly.”

Well I don’t know what “shortly” meant to her because 20 minutes later she was wrapping silverware and we were still waiting. So we did something I’ve never done before: we walked out of the restaurant.

But c’mon! We had sat waiting for AN HOUR.

After that abomination we just drove to the supermarket and bought eggs, goat cheese, an avocado, pico de gallo and a pepper and MADE ourselves a friggin delicious breakfast.

AT THREE O’ CLOCK PM.

We solemnly promised never to attempt to eat food together out at a restaurant again. Hooker describe what it would be like if we tried to go out and eat alone: Instead of our usual bad luck, he would be ushered to a special VIP room where hot women would finger feed him breakfast while fanning him. I would be served Kashi out of a Prada purse that I would get to keep.

While he was saying this it seemed totally feasible. But clearly, by three o’ clock pm with no food we had both started hallucinating.