As I have alluded to, a lot recently without being specific in anyway, there have been many “things” going on behind the scenes over here in AllEyesOnJenny-land. I’ve been hesitant to talk about them online for a few reasons, mostly that I’d rather my family and friends hear about any changes or developments from ME and not from my website, but also a little bit because people can occasionally be less than kind or unhelpful in the land of anonymity on the internet.
So here it is: for the past 3 months or more I have been planning on moving. I realized in recent months that I need a change from Boston, something new and exciting and fresh. I love the city of Boston, I love my friends and family who are here, but where most of the people in my life seem to be settling into or working towards the next phase of their lives here, I’m – just not.
The whole process started back in April, and since then I have answered what feels like a million craigslist ads. I have had to sell myself to strangers as “the! best! person! ever! who! they! must! live! with!”. I have obtained my credit reports and scores and submitted them to landlords. I have updated my cover letter and resume and applied for jobs. I have had my car appraised and gotten it ready to sell. I have done all of this for a city 3,000 miles away from home: San Francisco.
(Let me tell you – all of that is WORK. And EXHAUSTING. And FRUSTRATING. Especially when you don’t really know anyone in the city you are looking at. So successful transplants all over, I salute you.)
Even though I have made all these steps and taken things this far, I have only recently (like in the past couple of weeks) actually gotten around to telling people that this is what I’m thinking. The response has been anything from “YEAH RIGHT ON” to “But I’ll miss you too much!” to “Shut up, jerk.”. Yesterday I got an email from someone I know purely through the internet saying that moving to San Francisco was the biggest mistake of her life, which I of course took it to imply that it would probably be the biggest mistake in mine. Today her email was followed up with an article talking about how it could be easy to get in over my head out there.
While I appreciate advice and suggestions, after all those emails, and calls, and job and rental applications, I wasn’t really sure what to do with that. Even though I’ve had little success, I’ve been working so hard at all of this for MONTHS.
I tell you what though, it did make me sit down and think (and nearly cry). Eventually I started making lists about WHY I’m moving and what I hope accomplish in the time I desperately need away from Boston. There are so many things I want: to meet new people, to experience and discover new places, to be inspired by the art of others, to mentally, emotionally, and physically recharge myself, to just be on my own in an unfamiliar place for a while.
I explained this (first in a messy jumble of nonsense then in a focused, clear way) to a really good friend of mine who went through something similar around 3 years ago. He talked to me about his experience of picking up and moving away from everything he’s ever known and loved to a new city and what that means and what that takes. Then he told me about what he wished he had done better, differently and instead. And then he asked me the million dollar question: “I know you’ve been working really hard at this, but have you considered your alternatives to just up and moving to San Francisco?”
What? What alternatives? I want to live in a new place. Doesn’t that mean picking a city, moving all my belongings there, getting a job and settling in?
Then he made the best point he could have made “So lets say you pick a new city, find a new job, move into a new apartment – after you settle in HOW will that be any different than where you are now, other than you’ll be doing it in a new city?”
And then I got what he was saying (well in truth I made him explain it to me because in the past hour I had just been thrown through a freaking loop and a half), but the gist of his explanation was: I will never be happy working for someone else, I am an entrepreneur at heart who wants/needs/craves creativity and flexibility. Typical 9-5 office hours and work environments suck the soul right out of me. Picking a new city isn’t a solution in the long run. I’d just be packing up the same old stuff and moving it where ever I landed. I had been so focused on the instant gratification of CHANGE, that maybe what I really needed was a career plan. And that San Francisco (or any city) wasn’t out of the question, but not THE ONLY PART of the solution.
After establishing what I do know (I need to get out of this city for an undetermined chunk of time, if I come back here, I don’t want to get back into the same routine I’m in), we came up with some ideas together based on what I want and what he’s learned:
* Take several consecutive months off to recharge, focus on and put a real plan into motion.
* While doing the above perhaps travel throughout Europe.
* Or sublet an apartment for a few months in a new city.
* Focus on ONE of the many things I THINK I might want to seriously get into (He thinks photography. I think he’s right.).
* Find a mentor in another city, visit and/or take some time and move there to work with him/her for several months on whatever it is (photography?) that I do choose.
* Go back to school – in the US or somewhere internationally.
* Don’t just pick a city and move there – but instead try out a FEW places over time and enjoy what each of them have to offer.
* Stop trying to make this all happen by August 1st (my original “want to move by” date and quite frankly something that was driving me insane)
Luckily I am at a point in my life where I have an incredible amount of flexibility – most importantly that I’ve saved up enough where any/maybe all of the above could happen and that I’m single and without children. And I think the idea of being a vagabond – being a total hobo – for couple of years could be awesome. (Mostly it would be fun to be able to REALLY describe myself as a “hobo”.)
I am so reluctant to post this because I really don’t want ASSvice. Yeah, trust me, I ALREADY get it: I’m 27 and have no idea what I’m doing other than I want a change. By telling my friends and family about what I was thinking I might have just become yet ANOTHER one of those people who says they are moving but then doesn’t (right then).
Opening up and allowing people to potentially leave those kinds of comments is just a risk that comes with putting your life out there on the internet, but the great thing about the internet is that one of you out there might have an amazing idea that I haven’t even thought of yet. Or might be able to shed some light on my situation based on their own struggles, successes, experiences ….
So with great hopes and a lot of hesitation, I am leaving comments open on this one.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
I admire you.
At no point in my life would I have the nerve to do something so life changing and courageous. I would most likely still be stuck in my hometown if I weren’t married to a military man and following him wherever “they” decide to plunk us. Even something like a planned move was terrifying for me, but I’m oh so thankful that my life has taken the path it’s on. I’m a creature of habit and this has shown me it’s all about the adventure even when things go far from right. If it doesn’t work out take from it and move on to the next phase all the more prepared.
I think your tentative plan sounds fabulous and I wish you MUCH luck putting it into motion and molding it to shape whatever your heart desires. Anyone who criticizes is envious. ;o)
hey jenny,
what up? it’s anne tricomi. i read your blog. usually at work. and you probably know i never comment. so sue me.
anyway, as a braintree gal/daughter of “townies for life,” and as a recent transplant (to michigan for grad school in the past year), i have to say i was craving a change too.
everything was kind of dead ending for me so i rashly applied to school. while i don’t think it’s a mistake, it was just a lot of change to handle at once (transitiong from work to school full time, new house, new roommates, no money, etc).
but even though i was already living in maine instead of braintree, it was hard not to come down to see my family whenever i wanted (which was actually not even all that often) for things like my brother’s 30th bday, my dad’s retirement, etc. and i plan on moving back to maine next year when i graduate, so i feel like my life’s been on pause.
so, i’m just giving you my story. i’m not saying to do or not do anything. but maybe just a timeout for you would be best.
p.s. chuck shaffer retired.
Jenny – I saw your tweet the other day and meant to respond, but again – didn’t want it to be “Assvice” (so borrowing that word) but to just give my thoughts on it.
I think you have a wealth of ideas and alternatives and you are too creative to get sucked in by the 9to5 creativity-stilfling factory. You have a huge talent in Photography that I think you could explore as a career choice. Hell, even photography for travel magazines might be an option.
I’m somewhat in the same boat – bored with OTown and ready to move back up north. There’s so much planning involved that it’s terrifying. Too many “What ifs”. But it’s something that has to be done. When life gets stagnant, one needs to shake it up a bit, no?
I applaud your bravery and know that whatever choice you make, you will do well.
Go wherever your heart tells you to! You don’t even have to expect that it will answer all of your great life questions. Heck, it may even raise more new ones. But…it will be fun, it will be a great experience, and it will be something you were always glad you did.
Plans are for suckers!!! Just wing it!
by actually doing what you and your [very smart] friend in SF – hi M ;) – came up with you’d totally be living my dream and i think it’s an amazing plan. and not just because i know you would not travel europe without coming to germany to see me.
my leaving germany in 1997 a year after my father had passed away and i graduated from high school was the best decision ever in my whole life. granted, i went to live with a family [who turned out to be absolutely amazing and awesome] so to somewhat of a “safe” environment but i did it all by myself. it was the best time of my life and changed me forever [in a good way].
i think this is EXACTLY what you should do. and if you need a photography nut in NYC, go get in touch with sherri: http://www.flickr.com/people/lasadh – she’s great :)
honestly, i envy you. i wish i was in the same situation, i’d be out of here tomorrow. rock on, jenny!
I’m so excited for you!!
I desperately needed out of Indiana which is how I ended up in MA. I never could have afforded the move if I hadn’t signed up for grad school and paid for everything with student loans. Not necessarily the best choice, now that I’m paying off that debt, but it got me out here and away from boring Indiana so I’m grateful.
I very much hope it works out for you. I definitely understand that feeling of needing change. Being a “hobo” for awhile sounds like it would be an awful lot of fun. Best of luck!
I don’t really have any advice and don’t want to give ASSvice anyway, so I’ll just share some of my thoughts that your post brought up.
Sometimes when you’re second-guessing yourself maybe it’s best to just decide whatever choice you make is the right choice and go from there.
It’s not like you can’t move as many times as you want, change careers, go back to school, etc. Most people I know, both our age and our parents’ age, have made a lot of major changes in their lives and not really regretted any of them.
(WARNING: GIANT CLICHE COMING)
I’ve been thinking a lot lately of that cliche “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans” too. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Boston for years and sometimes think of just up and moving somewhere totally different.
I guess I know some of what you’re feeling and just want to say don’t be too worried about what might happen, there’s probably no ONE right answer, right city, right job, etc. – so there’s probably also no really wrong thing you can do right now.
Good luck! Don’t disappear completely or all your e-stalkers won’t be able to e-stalk you anymore!
I normally don’t comment, but this one just hit too close to home for me not to. First off, any lame advice you get? Disregard it. Because the choices you’re making are for YOU and it takes a lot of courage to even come up with ideas like that, let alone execute them. (like you have been doing with all of the efforts to leave)
Anyway. I’m in Chicago and can completely relate to the needing to get out. I had been dead set on moving to Denver, to the point where I had flown there and picked an apartment out. Eventually, I came to a similar realization that you did. That I needed to find something to make myself content, rather than some new place. I stayed in Chicago (and also had to explain to friends and family that I wasn’t moving, as planned. no fun) and have been working to make my life generally better for me. As for the moving? I know I still plan to, I just need the money and resources for it.
I say, keep doing what you’re doing. Like you said, find something and GO for it. What’s the worst that can happen? At least now you know the changes you’d like to make.
I, too, look up to this plan of yours….HELLO!! Not only do I still live in Btree, I am dating a BHS alum AND I TEACH in Btree!! Hi townie! I have always had a tiny itch to up and move somewhere new, but have no guts to do so whatsoever!!!! It takes some balls!!
I do want to say that I think your second plan is the best option. If you have the money to do so, do it!! What about this idea….before being a hobo (by the way, my students are OBSESSED with hobos for some reason…even made some hobo dance?!?!?)…I am sure you have a handful of friends/acquaintances (or even friends of friends) who live in a number of cities across the country. Go “visit” with them for a week or two. Then, if you get a handle on which areas you like best, you can do the subletting ideas from there. I totally agree that it will get that itch out of you (I think it seems strong enough that you would regret it if you never did this), AND seriously, what an amazing oportunity for you to expand your photography portfolio. Who knows, maybe this will turn into some big famous project for you!! I say go for it. You are smart and can make it work. And hey, if you are miserable, you move on, or come back!!
P.S. Can you believe Chuck is retiring this year?!?!? He was my band teacher from 4th grade through BHS….we should make some list of crazy “band memories” and forward them onto him…you know we could all come up with some crazy things we totally forgot about all of these years later!
P.P.S. Without sounding like one of those crazies who “know you” just from stuff online, can I say that I was secretly saddened a bit when I saw this post, because I think that any of your wedding photos I have seen of yours look amazing and I was hoping to maybe use you when I someday (hopefully in the next couple of years!!!!) get married?!?!?
good post. good luck. i didnt like work anymore, wanted to go back to school but chose to go to NEU because im a (semi fradulent) scientist and boston is where you need to be for that stuff…but grad school is no picnic, and school is not nearly as fun as i remember it.
anyways.
for the last two years (since i last seen ya)i have been working at EF international language school, and have made so many friends that live in europe,(s.america and asia as well), so if you do choose to go i would be more than happy to put you in contact with them for a place to stay or whatever. most of them are way rich so it might be less than ‘hoboism’ but its better than a sweaty ass…which you might actually incur from slumming it through europe
im serious, though. really.
its not an empty promise
feel free to let me know.
~jason
I’ve spent two of the last four weekends in San Francisco. Do it – but you don’t have to do it by Aug 1. As a lot of people have said, moving clear across the country is REALLY, REALLY HARD! I miss Boston, Braintree and my family and my friends every single day of my life, enough to throw me into existential crises every few months (“Why am I here? What am I doing? I need to go HOME”) but you know what? Carving out an independent life for yourself is one of the best parts of being 20something. You’re gonna be all right!
Hey, Jenny.
Frequently my comments are just posted to stir things up and get people to read my blog. But today I’ll be ‘real’.
You’re doing a great thing and just taking the steps to think about new avenues for yourself is such a major thing for people that many of them just turn into statues and never try it.
It takes courage and a sense of adventure and a solid belief in yourself to even brainstorm big moves – much less follow through with them.
SO, whatever path you end up taking you’re already ahead of the game by starting off down the exploratory road.
Congrats.
Jeff
I don’t think any city (at least in America) would overwhelm you. I only know from reading your blog, but you seem like quite a competent person. You are pretty much the only 20-something female I have ever seen giving solid financial advice, so it doesn’t seem money would be an issue. Plus you already live successfully in Boston, which is one of the most expensive and competitive cities in the country. It is certainly a more uptight place than San Fran. I wouldn’t let the experiences of others get you doubting yourself.
Change of environment can often trigger new ways of thinking, so maybe change is what you need to get your dreams of the ground, even if you start off doing essentially what you were doing at home. New people and experiences bring new ideas whether you want them or not. If you hate the move, you can always return to Mass, and at least you’ll know how it was to leave. Good luck!
Sounds like you’re on the right track, especially the part about not stressing yourself out with self-imposed deadlines, but I say GO FOR IT! I’m always an advocate for making big changes…I look at it in that I will never be perfect, nor will I have the perfect life, but I can at least make sure that it’s an interesting one. So, yes, make the move. (I still vote San Fransisco.) Work on a new, more creative and independent career, even if it means going back to school.
To keep the cliches rolling, people don’t end up regretting the things they did nearly as much as they regret the things they didn’t do.
A few disorganized thoughts.
-Boston isn’t going anywhere. You can always move back. Those who leave fall into 2 categories: those who move back and those who dont. And either choice is ok as long as you’re happy.
- No offense but I find it kinda ironic that you want change so you’re gonna move to SF. I find Boston and SF to be so culturally similar. You want change? Try Kansas City MO, Tucson AZ, Atlanta GA or Denver CO. Those places have almost nothing in common with Boston. But everyone sees/wants different things. The west coast is certainly different from the east coast. And if SF is what you want, then thats what you want. A good question to ask yourself might be “How much change will be too much?”
- Another good thing to do (advice Dave Chappelle’s Dad gave to him) was to set a price before you go. Meaning, in case things dont work out for reasons of finance or happiness, etc, you set a limit on how bad you’ll let it get. If you reach that limit, you’ll go home. Its a good way to make a commitment to yourself.
- I echo Lisa’s note about the independent life in your 20s. As much as I think STL sucks some days (and trust me it really does), the fact that I discovered this all myself is wicked cool.
- Last year, I went through a similar “crisis” and did this: I took a few days off of work, and drew out on sketch pad what I wanted my life to be like 5 and 10 yrs away. That alone taught me tons. Giving yourself that direction will help you connect tomorrow to your bigger life goals. My realization: I want to be closer to my siblings. I hope your big realization brings peace to you.
Since I left I’ve done tons of traveling around this great country. If you do decide to travel, I have a 2nd bedroom in the St Louis loft district you are free to use at any time. I highly recommend traveling no matter what you do, it helps you find what you’re looking for and what you’re not looking for.
Good luck.
If you do decide to move away and want to become a card carrying member of the “plan to move back someday”, you should probably know that I’ve been a member of that club for 10 years now. :)
My best friend Anna has a tattoo on the inside of her wrist that reads simply “Jump.” I think that’s the best advice anyone can get or give. Do it for yourself and don’t let other people’s realities color your decisions. You’ll never regret taking the chance, but you’ll always regret keeping your feet firmly on the ground.
Good luck!
Hey Jenny,
I don’t really comment on your blog. I’m happier as a quiet reader. I bought a couple of photographs from you a few years back (the vintage hair dryer and a shot from Lucky Strikes). I just wanted to let you know that your thoughtfulness and deliberateness are admirable. I’m not going to give you any of advice, just an Internet *high five*. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for yourself. And even if you don’t, it’s not like Boston is going anywhere. I hope you have a great adventure.
well, as you might know, i moved across the atlantic [for a guy ;)]… and was it scary? yes. was it crazy? yes. but was it worth it? yes, yes, yes. you can only find out what you really want and what makes you happy if you take certain risks. you should totally listen to your guts on this one. what is the worst that could happen? you move back to boston at some point and will have had a great adventure to tell your kids about :) go for it!!
I, for one, think you would make a hawt hobo.
You know you have three of your favorite Pacific Northwesterners rooting for you, no matter the scenario.
And, yeah, I just counted Iggy as an actual entity that could offer support. But in his case you know already know that “support” means “sneezing on you.”
Oh I’m coming back to hug the crap out of that pooch (and you guys too!)
Yeah I just invited myself by the way!
Joe S – I am definitely a member of the “plan to move back someday” club – it was the best piece of advice my mom gave me before I moved to LA.
“You can always come home.”
In all the time I’ve been reading your site (which has been quite a while – I’m a dedicated but slightly intimidated reader of yours…), never, ever has it crossed my mind that you make bad or ill-thought-out decisions. Not once. You have a way about yourself that sort of leaves me scratching my head, wondering how you remain so damn couth while having the time of your life at the same time. I’m sure you are shaking your head at that one, but you pretty much kick ass. If you think now is the time to make a huge change (for whatever reason), I highly doubt anyone in your life would disagree with your decision. They would only support it, cheer you on, and be there for you if, by chance, you fall on your ass…which I can’t ever see happening. Good luck in whatever you do! I’m glad I can read from the sidelines as you begin this journey.
Not sure my advice will be that much more helpful than anyone else’s, but just wanted to say good for you.
My “big move” was much smaller in scale – up the coast to Portsmouth, back to grad school – but felt just as scary sometimes. Yet, every day in my new life helps validate the decision.
Go for it – whatever “it” ends up being – and even if things aren’t perfect right away, you can adjust until they become right. Good luck, babe!
Slow on my blog reading, I didn’t see this until tonight. I’m the big bad wolf that said my move to the Bay Area was the biggest mistake of my life. It had nothing to do with you, it had to do with ME. I moved there, like you, thinking that it would be a new start. Not only did all of my problems follow me, just as your wise friend told you, but a whole new set of problems rose up. San Francisco is the most antisemetic place I’ve ever been. I have lived all over the country and I have NEVER felt so out of place and so despised for my religion as I did there. (See, nothing to do with you!). My children were not happy, I was miserable, my fabulous big important job (director of a HUGE software firm you all know) fell apart when AOL took over the company, and from there I drifted from one bad job to the next with totally flaky coworkers who were equally miserable. I lived there through the implosion of the software bubble, and if you think it was bad in Boston, you have NO IDEA of how bad it was there. It was serious like the depression.
SF looks fabulous from a visitors point of view. But there is little to no middle class left, and you have to earn SO much to pay to live there. Apartments go for almost 1000/month more than they do in Boston. Instead of your life improving, it kind of implodes because you’re always poor. Not just you, me and everyone else. That’s why the middle class have been leaving in droves. It’s NOT a great place to live. Oh yeah, it’s pretty and the weather is great, but when you can’t afford to pay for food, what good is that?
What I learned, as I made my way back to Boston, is that you can’t leave your problems behind, they do follow you. And that even though I’m a native Californian, and lived there thru my entire childhood, I’m essentially an east coast person. I have more to talk about than clothes, nail polish, shoes, and hair. I read books. I think deep thoughts. I’m deeply religious. I am a concerned parent with quirky kids. All of those things made me an outcast of sorts in SF. People are essentially much more shallow there, although nothing like my southern CA roots. I didn’t FIT there, and I know so many people who moved there and couldn’t wait to get out. They’re all back here. We were in Whole Paycheck recently and ran into people who lived right up the street from us in CA. How weird is that?
You do what you want. If you want to move there, you have my blessing. Believe me, I don’t want to discourage anyone’s dreams. But there is a reality to moving 3000 miles away that is hard to fathom. Leaving all your stuff (and your adorable apartment) behind… trying to find a place to live that you love and that’s safe and affordable, looking for work as a freelancer… hard hard stuff.
Moving is a terribly stressful life event, right up there with death and marriage. Until you’ve done it across the country twice in 4 years, you just don’t get the stress. Plus those long distance movers? All freaking shysters. They held my furniture hostage for 5 MONTHS and I had to sue to get it back. It’s commonplace. And so freaking costly.
I guess when people tell me that they’re heading for the Bay Area I see red because I know what it cost me and my family. My health, my stress level, my financial situation (unemployed with a $2700/month rent… 401K gone, kids college fund gone, 1 year of savings, gone. ALL GONE. For that freaking city. It isn’t worth it. It really isn’t.
I’m sorry I freaked you out so much. I didn’t mean to. I have very strong feelings about it. If you had said you were moving to Atlanta or DC or literally ANYWHERE else I would have said Mazel Tov and been right there behind you. But that evil city…. no way. It eats people up and spits them out. Nobody needs that kind of tsuris. Nobody!
Oh, and about the second part, I totally love the hobo part. I was just saying to my son that if I were younger and healthier, I’d join couchsurfers and just travel for a while. I’ve done that when I was much younger, 2 years of overseas travel and it was AWESOME!
I think you’ll be a lot happier defining who you are and what you want out of life (your twenties are so hard with all of that!) when you’re not struggling to pay an ridiculously overpriced rent.
Have you ever gone across the country? It’s probably the best thing you could do to see where you want to live. I learned that there are some totally awesome places I’ve never even considered before, like Iowa City and Austin TX. You just gotta check them out.
I think you’ll do great wherever and whatever you end up doing. And I sure hope it’s photography because you have such an eye for portrait work. Your stuff is heads above all the rest.
Hey, have you ever been to Newburyport? You might LOVE it there. It sure isn’t Boston, it’s beautiful and on the ocean, and probably one of the best places to live around here. Check it out!
i just read all the comments and i’m actually teary [i know, i'm a cry-baby. sue me...].
just wanna say: isn’t the internet an amazing place? wow.
hey jenny… if you wanna pick my brain about moving away ove done it a few times… once to boston.. then across the united states and now im in LA where i knew no one and had no job… so if you wanna hear about what its like, what it do over, etc let me know. also-im going to be living in SF in either sept or jan depending on schools financial aid… holla at me. :)
I wish you the best of luck, in which ever you decide to do. One question though…Can I come too?!
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