The Black Hole that IS FedEx

On Tuesday I came home to a FedEx “We attempted to deliver a package to you” tag slapped square in the center of my front door. This particular package requires not only a signature, but also the signature of an adult (license required at the time of signature). The tag also documents that they attempted to deliver this package at 1:00 pm.

This package? Is NOT something I ordered. And not something my mother, father or sister ordered for me and they are the only ones who know my street address. I’m not kidding. I don’t give my current address out. If something needs to be shipped, it gets shipped to my office.
So I grabbed the tag, headed inside and called FedEx.

I broke it down for the first guy I spoke with “Hi, I got an ‘attempted delivery’ slip on my door with a delivery time of 1:00 pm. But I don’t get home until after 6:00 pm to sign for this package. Can I pick it up at the FedEx store?”

“You don’t have to be the one to sign. Just an adult.”

“The other adults, my roommates, all work and don’t get home until after 6:00 pm like me.”

“Sure then. You can pick up this package at the station it originated from …. in Brockton.”

“Brockton is about 45 minutes away from my house. I’m not going to drive an hour and a half total for a package that I didn’t order, wasn’t expecting, or know who it’s from or what it is. Can it go to the Boston location? And I’ll pick it up there tomorrow?”

“No. They can try to deliver it again tomorrow. Maybe someone will be there to sign for it.”

“No. Like I said, no one will be home. So you can’t change the pick up location, I can’t get to Brockton or be home to sign for it … so I’ll never get the package?”

“You can’t be home?”

“No. I have to work.”

“I’ll put a note in your file for them to deliver after 6:00 pm.”

“THANK YOU!”

Cut to yesterday after work: I come home to ANOTHER ‘attempted delivery’ tag on my door – timestamped for 12:30 pm.

W.T.F!?!?

So I call again. Ever so carefully and over the top nicely explain the whole situation. Despite my attempts to be really nice and understanding that this is aggravating for her too, the girl I speak to yesterday wants nothing to do with me.

“This is a ground package. You can’t change the delivery time.”

“Ok, but I can’t be home at the times they attempt to deliver. And I can’t make it to the pick up location. I don’t know what this package is! I don’t want to run around for what seems, no offense, like porn … or maybe booze. I don’t understand this whole “adult signature” thing. Can’t I leave a note on the door telling them to leave it?”

“All I can tell you is .. it’s from a company. No you can’t leave a note. You have to pick it up. I’ll transfer you to the station. You can talk to them.”

Then I proceeded to sit on hold for 23 minutes. I was on my way to pick Danielle up for dinner when I was trying to take care of all of this. When she hopped in my car, I hung up. Defeated.

She asked what was wrong so I told her the whole situation. She said “That’s really weird. What else can you do?” I basically brushed it off and we went to eat.

Halfway through dinner Danielle asked to see the FedEx tag and was still puzzled. “Did they tell you who it’s from?” “No!,” I answered. “It’s so sketchy. I’m not driving to Brockton to pick up ….. a bomb? WHAT IS IT?! WHO IS IT FROM!? WHO KNOWS MY ADDRESS?!” To which Danielle replies “So what happens if you don’t get it?” “I don’t know. It sits and dies in Brockton?”

Finally Danielle was like “AHH I HATE THIS. I BOUGHT YOU THE PRIZE! I’m not telling you what it is, but you have to get it. THEY SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED THIS ON THE SITE I BOUGHT IT FROM! And NO, it’s NOT porn.”

So basically my prize from Danielle is lost in FedEx land. Today is their last attempt at delivery which I will not get. But at least now I’ll go pick up my non-porn!

I can’t help but be annoyed that this could EASILY have been avoided if they TOLD ME WHO SENT IT or COULD JUST DROP THE DAMN THING OFF AT A BOSTON FEDEX WHICH IS LIKE 5 MINUTES FROM WHERE I LIVE.

Despite the asshattery that has gone on with FedEx, I’m psyched. Thanks Dink, you’re the best. I wish you hadn’t told me it WASN’T porn though. That would have made it even better. Also, slightly creepy.