I’ve dated a fair amount since I started….. well over a decade ago. The majority of the people I’ve dated however, I’ve met through friends, or were friends with already, etc. Basically I knew their backstory. But what’s fun about dating someone you don’t know, or don’t know all that well, is the way all these stories unfold and you discover their quirks and all the little things – that, well, make the person them.

I have a feeling that this guy I’ve been dating recently is in for more than he bargained for though ….

Me to Boy I am Dating (BIAD): Oh god, I’m a clumsy hot mess of a human.

BIAD: Sure you are.

Me: No really. Last spring I was walking with my old roommate Matt, tripped on something on the sidewalk and slammed face first into a restaurant window where I scared the hell out of two people sitting at that table. Matt, instead of helping me, just ran away laughing.

BIAD: Hahaha well you tripped on something. So that’s not really your fault.

Me: Uhhh… the very next day I was with him again and walked into a metal flower box. Without tripping on anything. I just slammed head first into the thing.

BIAD: I’m sure you’re not that bad. You are exaggerating.

Me: NEVER! You just wait until I destroy your life!

BIAD: Hahah ok.

(5 minutes later and there we are playing wii Tennis….)

Me: POW! BAM! Look! I am sooooo kicking your …..

SLAM. SPLASH. CRASH.

And that’s when we realized that I backhanded a nearly full bottle red wine. All over his brand new couch. Rug. Walls. Floor. And some laundry.

Me: UGH. SEE?!?!!? I told you. My life is garbage.

Hello. *tap tap* Is this thing on?

Oh look at that. Still works. I guess I ….. forgot how to use this?

Whatever. I have no excuse. I just didn’t feel like blogging for a bit. But here I am! Triumphant return!

Noteable events/observations from the past several weeks of disappearance:

1) I went to Dallas. Yup. Not really voluntarily. I was there for PCMA 2010. Sorry Dallas readers, but I did not have the best time in your city. The conference was great. But a) I got sick. b) the only food available to me for several days was either covered in, dipped in, or prepared with lard, butter, cheese or ranch dressing. I ordered a salad my first day – just your typical mixed greens with chicken. It came served on a pizza. SERVED ON A PIZZA. Like a full PIZZA. By the end of the conference, I was begging bartenders for their bar fruit (yeah I stole an orange. SO WHAT.) I’m sure Dallas is a lovely city – out of the convention circuit.

2) I recently discovered that every time I try to type “things” on my iPhone, it automatically changes it to “thugs”. I don’t know how many times I’ve substituted “thugs” for “things” to friends, family, clients – but I kind of think that’s awesome.

3) I only discovered the above because post-Dallas my cold continued and I was pretty much banished to the couch and in and out of sleep for the next 5 days, iPhone in hand. I attempted to go out for my friend Grace’s birthday party on Saturday night and nearly fell asleep at the bar. Sorry Grace. I suck. I do have a gift for you though :)

4) After nearly two years of only dreaming about them, I actually got to drink a Blue Bottle latte. It was beautiful and delicious.

5) Ok sooooo… can you keep a secret? I’ve sort of been …. seeing someone for a bit (which might have a litttttle something to do with my lack of updates. Maybe). I probably won’t say too much more – yet. But … suffice it to say he is the kind of man who remembered and filed away a conversation from more than a month ago where I mentioned an early 2008 trip to San Francisco where I had the “best latte I’ve ever had from this place called Blue Bottle”. Last week he knew I was feeling terrible, called the company and asked what kind of espresso bean I may have had in my latte when I was out there, placed the order, and had the beans delivered the day I got back from Dallas. And, if you can believe it, that’s just the beginning of the ridiculous journey this has been. But I’m not going to brag or anything :) I will say that after a relationship gone bad, two years of horrific dates including some recent absolutely terrible events, this …. is an unexpected but welcome turn of events.

6) My friends Sarah aka “Sasky” and Tony aka “Tony” had their very first baby a couple of days ago! They named him Desmond and he is absolutely precious. I would post his pics, but I’m not sure how far out into the internerd they’d like those to go, but here’s a visual: deliciously pudgy, tons of hair (OH THE HAIR!) and absolutely tiny and sweet and adorable.

So there you go. I hope I fulfilled at least a bit of my “where has she been?”/”Jen-gossip” quota for the day.

Here’s the scene: there is a girl who had a long day at work. And after a crazy work day, has to then attend not one, but two work events. She puts on her happy face (and her drinking pants – she does work in hospitality after all). The events go off without a hitch. She meets and greets with the best of them and then, just before 11 walks home. To crawl into bed and put that crazy day behind her.

Except she doesn’t make it home. Right away. At the end of her street something catches her eye. Two dogs. Two really cute dogs. Two really cute dogs who are attached to a leash and being walked by a man. None of them look like they’re going to bite or anything, so she says hello and bends down to pet the pups.

The four of them start walking towards her house and chatting along the way.

“What do you do?” she asks.

“I’m in the film industry*” he replies.

(*In reality he said his actual title in this industry, but to keep things somewhat anonymous, we’ll just all agree this person works in film.)

“You sound like an asshole.” she says back.

He laughs and says “I’m in the film industry … in NYC.”

“Correction. A pretentious asshole.” she says.

“Wow. Who ARE you?” he asks.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” she jokes back.

They get to the front steps of her house and he says something about it being too bad she’s home already.

“Ok big time movie man, buy me a drink then.” she says.

“Hahahaha ok. Let’s drop the dogs off.”

And they do. And they have a drink. Where, in full disclosure mode, this clumsy, clusmy girl accidentally spills nearly a whole drink all over the two of them and … he laughs. They chat, she calls him out, he jokes back at her and before they know it, it’s really time for her to go home. She has to get up in the morning. He walks her back home.

“It’s too bad you’re such a jerk,” she says. “I’ll be in New York this weekend.”

That’s pretty much how they left it.

Until the next morning. And he uses her name to find and email her. “Hey, it’s me. The movie guy who’s full of himself. I usually don’t give my number to random strangers who yell at me on the street, but you seem nice. Give me yours and we’ll chat.”

So she does. And 10 minutes later her phone rings. It’s him. Obviously. And they laugh about the night before and how absurd the whole thing is.

He had been living in her neighborhood for 2 months while working on movie stuff and she never knew. She met him just days before he had to return to NYC.

He asks her out for Thursday night. They agree to meet up for a drink. And they do. And it’s just as funny and easy to talk to each other as it was that first night.

They talk about how coincidental it is that he’s going back to NYC this weekend and she’ll be there visiting and how they really should meet up because, well how could they not.

So they do. They navigate NYC traffic and walk to a small martini bar. She orders a glass of wine. He orders a beer. And they sit in the window, peering out on Lexington Avenue and people watch and talk. For hours. Until they realize it’s been hours and he has to leave and she has to meet friends.

They walk in the pouring rain and laugh about the ridiculous weather. The ridiculous coincidences of the past week. Eventually they say goodbye and part ways. He heads his way, and she heads her way … which eventually leads her back to Boston.

He called her the next day. And the day after that. And she just got off the phone with him again.

The whole thing is completely unbelievable and absurd and sounds like a story – some kind of urban legend.

But it’s not. “She” is me. And as for him …. we’ll just call him “Lex”.

Who knows what will happen, if anything will happen. But either way, for now, I’m not thinking about it. I’m enjoying the ride and, at the very least, I have this completely insane story to tell.

(And yes he knows I blog. He’s read my blog already. And pending an anonymity understanding, I got the ok to tell this story. It’s a pretty good one too, right?)

So a few weeks ago I rejoined Match.com. There’s only so many times you can hear “stop hanging out at gay bars!” (which, ask any of my gays, I just don’t do anymore), or “why are are you still single?” before you want to throw your body off the Zakim Bridge.

So I rejoined …. which means I signed up, made a half assed attempt at making a profile, uploaded a pic and kind of left it at that. Truth be told, I’ve been so busy I haven’t had much time to do much as sit down and read a book, much less pour any free time into an online dating site.

Cut to this morning. When I finally log in to poke around a bit. I notice I have a couple of emails. Both from the same person. The first is from Monday. It’s a totally normal “Hey your profile looked interesting, check out mine and if you’re interested, shoot me an email” type message.

Then comes the second one. Which came in July 16 at 1:16 am. I honestly can not even copy and paste it because I know you won’t believe it unless you see it, so I DOWNLOADED the Match.com app and took a screen shot just so you CAN see. And since I’m such a beast, I didn’t even blur out this guy’s user name.

So, yeah. Thanks Stefanedberg135 for such a warm welcome back to Match.com! Clearly the main problem I had with online dating still exists. I’m glad I didn’t waste my money and only signed up for a couple of months.

Soooo ….. are there any normal, nice, straight, single guys out there? Is this thing on? Hello? *echo echo echo* Someone prove me wrong?

Love always,
Big Forehead aka Horse Teeth*

* In case you were wondering, this is the picture I have up by the way.

UPDATE!!!! This guy literally copies and pastes! He did the same thing to another girl YESTERDAY!! Thanks for the find Sarah!!

Last night while packing, I found my high school (and college) journal. As you can see .. not much has changed.

For those of you who can’t read this (yes my handwriting is exactly the same and exactly as messy today), this entry reads as follows:

This summer has been wonderful. I got my license! I also started working at the BPD (Braintree Parks Department – I was a camp counselor) Well Sat. was the Braintree Fire Works – I hung out w/ Pat & Joe – then Mon. I went to Caity’s party & hung with Pat & Joe again. Then Tuesday Pat called me at about 1:00 pm & told me that Joe liked me. I was a little surprised considering I thought Joe was gay ..? Oh well.

Let’s note a few things about this:

1.) Caity yes that is you in my entry.
2.) I like how I’m so specific “then at 1:00 pm …”
3.) OH YEAH. THIS PART:

Let’s all read this aloud one more time just so we’re all perfectly clear:

I WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED CONSIDERING I THOUGHT JOE WAS GAY DOT DOT DOT QUESTION MARK.

and then my personal favorite part of the whole thing …

OH WELL.

Just like that “OH WELL.”

There you have it folks. July 3, 1997. I was sixteen years, five months and nine days old. You can actually PINPOINT the MOMENT my life took … well took the turn it did.

OH WELL.

Oh don’t you worry … there is more where this came from.